Since I've been in high school I've always had this thing with not showing my emotions. Appearing emotional both good and bad lets your enemies know if they are getting to you or not. Easy solution not to get picked on, don't show emotion. What I didn't realize was how that attitude was actually sabotaging my happiness.
I've always tried to be the tough cookie, putting up with everything and shrugging off the bad and not getting my hopes up with the good. I was floating through life just fine. Until I realized that I was kidding myself.
If I want people to have relationships with me, as friends, family, or potential boyfriends, I need them to see who I am as a person. That of course means opening up to them. An entirely brand-new concept in the past few years!
I always thought that pushing back my emotions started with the bullying in high school, but when I went to my therapy sessions over the last few months, I've discovered that it started long before that!
It took weeks of figuring out but my first instance of holding back my emotions goes back to when I was 4 years old and in Jr. Kindergarden.
How sad is that! Kids that young cry about everything and anything, and no one ever thinks anything of it! It's something that they do. I look at my 5 year old cousin and I think, it would be perfectly okay for him to cry, and he's a boy! So why did I not think it was okay of I cried when I was that age?
When I think back to how that little girl, couldn't even let out her emotions at 4 years old it kills me inside. It rips my heart to pieces and I want to cry! I want to mourn for that little girl who didn't feel safe enough to cry when she should have!
That's what I'm trying to undo. I'm trying to let people in; let people see the real me; allow people to see my emotions! A very wise guy once told me "all emotions are valid simply because you feel them." i always try to remember those words as I move forward on this journey of mine.
Who knows what I will discover about myself next!
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