Exceeding Expectations

This past year has been a challenge to myself that I didn't falter from. I exceeded so many expectations that others put towards me and that I put towards myself. This past year I stopped accepting what people told me and I started proving people wrong! I hope that 2013 will be another challenge-accepted year for me and that I come out stronger by the end!

People always told me that I was too scared to stand up for myself, that I would put up with people that mistreated me all through high school because I was too afraid to lose friends. Well that changed. I said goodbye to some people I once held dear in my heart simply because I realized that they were never truly friends anyways. I discovered that I would rather be alone than be with people who didn't care.

I did what every child dreams of, and got in with the "popular" crowed at University and just as quickly, I realized how fake they were and could proudly say that I walked away from them all too.

I started acting like an adult, letting my mom know when I would be out instead of asking her if it was ok.

I found the areas in my life that I wasn't happy with and I took steps towards getting help to making changes in my life.

I had a 20 seconds of courage moment in the summer and walked up and talked to complete strangers because I thought they were cute, and I survived total embarrassment in front of them too.

I didn't let that embarrassment bring me down and I surprised myself by doing it again, more than once.

People that my old friends told me I'd never have a chance with, told me they liked me and I've made friends out of.

Guys that my friends told me I would never have the courage to talk to, I've hung out with.

Courses that I was sure I was going to fail going into them, I've passed.

I've stopped letting people walk all over me, I've been working 3 jobs and full time school, and still find the time to volunteer at church.



I spoke to the man who inspired me to become a musician and composer, Howard Shore.


I've stopped relying on people to do things with me, if I want to do them, I've gone alone. Only I am responsible for my own happiness!

I've done so much more in my life this year than anyone ever thought that I would. I survived my first car accident, paid for my own recovery, and made decisions about my life without consulting anyone. It's sad to say that at 21 I finally feel like I grew up a little this year.

So here's to 2013 and all that it holds in store for me. I will exceed my own expectations once again, and I will blow people away with how much I will achieve!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

-Tay

My Inner Child

Since I've been in high school I've always had this thing with not showing my emotions. Appearing emotional both good and bad lets your enemies know if they are getting to you or not. Easy solution not to get picked on, don't show emotion. What I didn't realize was how that attitude was actually sabotaging my happiness.

I've always tried to be the tough cookie, putting up with everything and shrugging off the bad and not getting my hopes up with the good. I was floating through life just fine. Until I realized that I was kidding myself.

If I want people to have relationships with me, as friends, family, or potential boyfriends, I need them to see who I am as a person. That of course means opening up to them. An entirely brand-new concept in the past few years!

I always thought that pushing back my emotions started with the bullying in high school, but when I went to my therapy sessions over the last few months, I've discovered that it started long before that!

It took weeks of figuring out but my first instance of holding back my emotions goes back to when I was 4 years old and in Jr. Kindergarden.

How sad is that! Kids that young cry about everything and anything, and no one ever thinks anything of it! It's something that they do. I look at my 5 year old cousin and I think, it would be perfectly okay for him to cry, and he's a boy! So why did I not think it was okay of I cried when I was that age?

When I think back to how that little girl, couldn't even let out her emotions at 4 years old it kills me inside. It rips my heart to pieces and I want to cry! I want to mourn for that little girl who didn't feel safe enough to cry when she should have!

That's what I'm trying to undo. I'm trying to let people in; let people see the real me; allow people to see my emotions! A very wise guy once told me "all emotions are valid simply because you feel them." i always try to remember those words as I move forward on this journey of mine.

Who knows what I will discover about myself next!

Paving Forward

If you don't really know me, this might be a shock to you, but to those who know me, I'm a tough cookie. No I don't mean I'm a badass, I'm just tough. I try not to let things get to me, and even when they do I try not to let them show. Well I got tired of being told that I'm coming across as cold hearted because I don't show emotions, so I started going for therapy. Honestly, it's the best decision I've ever made.

Last night's session had mom coming in with me and our therapist got us to roleplay a little bit. The point of roleplaying was to try and get the "victim" to be assertive to the person who was being aggressive or passive-aggressive. First time around, I got to be the victim. My mom chose a real scenario that really had happened to me.

Scenario: Aggressive person = former best friend of mine who is now dating my ex-boyfriend. She was pissed that I was still talking to her boyfriend (my ex) and wasn't talking to her and started spreading rumors that I still cared for my ex and I was jealous.

I proceeded to explain that me not wanting to be friends with her anymore had nothing to do with her dating my ex, because we had settled that one and I had been friends with her since they started dating but had more to do with the fact that she would drunk text me rude things, she started taking clothes off at parties, and started acting a little sleazy and that I didn't want people like that in my life. 

Well, the therapist took the role my mom had created and started pushing it a little further, and started arguing with me. Then something I never thought would happen, happened. I broke down crying. Right there in front of my therapist, and my mother.

The reason I push people away is because I know friends come and go, and everyone that comes into my life is eventually going to leave. It's a part of life. So why should it bother me when it finally happens. My therapist said it must be a lonely way to live and I just broke down crying. I've never considered myself lonely, I always have family around me and I'm rarely alone. Yet, I do feel that there's not anyone close enough to me that I can trust with anything, no friend that I see being there for the rest of my life and that makes me hold back from being really close to my friends.

I am lonely. I mean heck, I'm happy as hell. I'm loving my life and this summer has been the best yet. This is not a super depressed, I spend everyday crying because I'm so alone, but when I think about it, I wish that there was someone I believed would always be there for me and wouldn't abandon me when things get hard.

It was just such an eye opening experience. I've never really experienced that emotion before, or at least I've never been able to identify it. As hard as it was to go there, I'm happy that I did. I'm still not regretting this decision and I plan to see it through to the end. I finally feel like I get the chance to grow as a person now. Just gotta keep climbing this mountain and not look back!

The path behind you might be bumpy, but you never have to walk it again, just keep paving the road ahead of you.

Falling Apart

I'm falling apart. I'm thinking back to every bad thing that's ever happened to me. I'm reliving every bad/sad/angry/frustrating/disappointing/hurtful thing that's ever been in my life. I'm losing the friends that I had, I'm fighting with my family, and I'm purposely digging into the deep dark places in my life.

But for the first time ever, I'm embracing it!

Going to counseling was one of the best decisions of my life!

I'm finally looking at why I am the way that I am, what events shaped me into the person I am today, and I'm learning what steps I need to take now to get where I want to be. I'm losing friends because they're not willing to accept that the old me is gone, and they don't want to be around the new me. Their loss. I will get new friends who have greater respect for me, will share more of my aspirations and drive towards accomplishments. I'm fighting with my family because for the first time I'm not keeping my mouth shut, I'm speaking up for myself and learning to be assertive rather than passive.

The people who haven't bothered to stay in touch with me over the summer are in for one big shock when we all get back to school. There are big changes happening, and I think some people are going to be shocked by the new me.

My life is falling apart because I need those raw materials to build up the new me.

Anxiety Attacks

Going to see a therapist has been one of the best decisions of my life. She keeps telling me that we're going to dive further into the deep dark places of my life and all I can say is Bring It!!

I have always been a person who suppresses my emotions and that was how I coped with much of my school years and all the bullying. I thought I was doing a really good job too.

Until this week, speaking to my therapist how emotional release is how the body rebalances itself. Without that release your body will find release in other more serious ways such as depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia.

That was the point I stopped her and made her explain herself.

Are you telling me that all these years or suppressing my emotions is likely the cause of my anxiety attacks?

The good news is, now that I know where it likely comes from, I can work towards undoing the damage and becoming anxiety free!

Now I just need to learn some new coping mechanisms and how to get a more natural emotional release!

Counseling

So for the past couple weeks I have been going to see a Christian counsellor to try and help me in the different areas of my life that I'm struggling.

My biggest things are the fact that I don't show emotion. Ever! Have you ever watched Star Trek? You know the Vulcans? Yes, that is pretty much me. My emotions are suppressed as far as I can push them and they're destroying relationships.

I also don't find arguments of any kind to be healthy which I found out is actually an unhealthy thought pattern. So I'm going to learn how to have healthy arguments with friends and family.

It's gonna be a scary ride. Let's do it!