Friday, August 24, 2012

French Flowers

I just treated myself to some amazing new nail polishes, and with them I got very fine paintbrushes so I can do my own detailing designs!

Check it out! Did French manicure with little flowers on each nail.

Love it!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Paving Forward

If you don't really know me, this might be a shock to you, but to those who know me, I'm a tough cookie. No I don't mean I'm a badass, I'm just tough. I try not to let things get to me, and even when they do I try not to let them show. Well I got tired of being told that I'm coming across as cold hearted because I don't show emotions, so I started going for therapy. Honestly, it's the best decision I've ever made.

Last night's session had mom coming in with me and our therapist got us to roleplay a little bit. The point of roleplaying was to try and get the "victim" to be assertive to the person who was being aggressive or passive-aggressive. First time around, I got to be the victim. My mom chose a real scenario that really had happened to me.

Scenario: Aggressive person = former best friend of mine who is now dating my ex-boyfriend. She was pissed that I was still talking to her boyfriend (my ex) and wasn't talking to her and started spreading rumors that I still cared for my ex and I was jealous.

I proceeded to explain that me not wanting to be friends with her anymore had nothing to do with her dating my ex, because we had settled that one and I had been friends with her since they started dating but had more to do with the fact that she would drunk text me rude things, she started taking clothes off at parties, and started acting a little sleazy and that I didn't want people like that in my life. 

Well, the therapist took the role my mom had created and started pushing it a little further, and started arguing with me. Then something I never thought would happen, happened. I broke down crying. Right there in front of my therapist, and my mother.

The reason I push people away is because I know friends come and go, and everyone that comes into my life is eventually going to leave. It's a part of life. So why should it bother me when it finally happens. My therapist said it must be a lonely way to live and I just broke down crying. I've never considered myself lonely, I always have family around me and I'm rarely alone. Yet, I do feel that there's not anyone close enough to me that I can trust with anything, no friend that I see being there for the rest of my life and that makes me hold back from being really close to my friends.

I am lonely. I mean heck, I'm happy as hell. I'm loving my life and this summer has been the best yet. This is not a super depressed, I spend everyday crying because I'm so alone, but when I think about it, I wish that there was someone I believed would always be there for me and wouldn't abandon me when things get hard.

It was just such an eye opening experience. I've never really experienced that emotion before, or at least I've never been able to identify it. As hard as it was to go there, I'm happy that I did. I'm still not regretting this decision and I plan to see it through to the end. I finally feel like I get the chance to grow as a person now. Just gotta keep climbing this mountain and not look back!

The path behind you might be bumpy, but you never have to walk it again, just keep paving the road ahead of you.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Glengarry Highland Games - Saturday

This is part two of a two part blog about the Glengarry highland games. Saturday involved watching more of the games, sheepdog demonstrations, and pipe and drum competitions and of course more entertainment in the beer tent!

The morning was a little harder to get up for because of the late night drinking in the beer tent however, bless the creators of this marvelous drink, Alex and I had some Irn Bru. It was created to be a hangover remedy apparently. Seemed to work pretty well too!

The day started off setting up on the mound around the infield and watching some of the games.

              Caber Toss                          Regimental Tug-of-War                Sheepdog Demonstration

Pipe and drum competitions are always a lot of fun to watch. Since we've started going there we've been following the City of Chicago pipe and drum band. Last year they moved from Level 2 to Level 1. With the international competitions happening next weekend in Scotland, there were less bands performing at the Level 1. This year we had City of Chicago, Toronto Police, and PEEL. Watching these competitions reminds me of when I went to the nationals in my grade 12 year.

At 4 o'clock, Scocha came back as the entertainment in the beer tent and that's when the party really began! Being a part of one of their concerts makes you really feel that the members are down to earth. Mom and I couldn't stop singing along to the songs and it was fun that some of the band members noticed and were laughing and really getting into it. They took the time to look people in the eyes as they were singing and I'm sure it meant a lot to people. It made the concert feel more personal. That's being a true musician! Not just playing for the fans, but interacting with them and pulling them in.

Then the night ended in traditional Maxville fashion, the massed bands from the weekend. This is what causes me to hear bagpipes in the wind the entire hour and a half long car ride home. All those bagpipes and drums playing together in unison creates such a powerful sound that shakes in your ribcage. It's so powerful! It is honestly beyond all possible words!

Honestly, I think that everyone should look up and see if there are Scottish Highland Games near you. They're quite powerful, friendly, and such an educational and relaxing experience. There are games that take place all over and I hope you can find some close to you!

Glengarry Highland Games - Tattoo

This past weekend was one of the greatest weekends of the year because it was the Glengarry Highland Games. It's a two day event that celebrates Scottish traditions. So many wonderful things happened that I couldn't possibly put it all in one post so there's going to be a couple.

Friday consisted of solo piping competitions, highland games as well as a tattoo.

There's nothing quite like sleeping in a tent and waking up not to an alarm, but to the first bagpipe player of the morning starting to practice and warm up. I love listening to bagpipes! Some people find them loud and annoying but honestly there's something so powerful and soulful about them.

The big part of day one is the Friday night Tattoo. Basically it's a massively huge party beyond all belief. It started with the singing of three national anthems as sky divers come down with the flags.
"Flower of Scotland"
"Oh, Canada"
"Star Spangled Banner"
But for me, the really awesome part of the night was to welcome back the band Scocha who headlined the entertainment for the weekend once again. The first time I ever went to the games was when they were performing and last year wasn't the same without them. They finally came back to play for us again for the weekend before heading back to Europe. Bless their hearts!

I hope that they come back year after year as we all love having them there. They truly know how to throw a party! Hope that they have another wonderful year of shows ahead of them wherever they play!

The night finished off with a few drinks in the beer tent with some great friends (and one pain in the butt). First time in my life I get the guts to talk to strangers and my ex decides to walk up to me chatting and embarrass the hell out of me in front of not one, but two nice gentlemen. We've made an agreement that there's no more walking up and talking with me when I'm talking to strangers anymore. Yikes!

All in all it was an incredible first day and was the best games I've been to as well! Such an amazing time!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Falling Apart

I'm falling apart. I'm thinking back to every bad thing that's ever happened to me. I'm reliving every bad/sad/angry/frustrating/disappointing/hurtful thing that's ever been in my life. I'm losing the friends that I had, I'm fighting with my family, and I'm purposely digging into the deep dark places in my life.

But for the first time ever, I'm embracing it!

Going to counseling was one of the best decisions of my life!

I'm finally looking at why I am the way that I am, what events shaped me into the person I am today, and I'm learning what steps I need to take now to get where I want to be. I'm losing friends because they're not willing to accept that the old me is gone, and they don't want to be around the new me. Their loss. I will get new friends who have greater respect for me, will share more of my aspirations and drive towards accomplishments. I'm fighting with my family because for the first time I'm not keeping my mouth shut, I'm speaking up for myself and learning to be assertive rather than passive.

The people who haven't bothered to stay in touch with me over the summer are in for one big shock when we all get back to school. There are big changes happening, and I think some people are going to be shocked by the new me.

My life is falling apart because I need those raw materials to build up the new me.