Understanding Who I'm Supposed To Be

The past few days have been something truly spectacular to me, I've learned another way that I want to grow in my life. I know I'm always talking on here about growing, and learning where I'm supposed to be, and each time they've been right on the button! This time I'm growing in my femininity, the way that God desires. 

For the past month or so, I've been taking part in Christopher West's DVD series on Theology of the Body, called Freedom To Love. It's been quite eye opening and has made me look at things I had never thought about in my life. In fact, many of the things that I believed growing up were targeted in this series as being the wrong way to look at things. I've slowly begun to change the way that I view my faith, it's been absolutely spectacular! Here's a very small clip from one of the lectures that I would like to share with you:

This past week, we looked at part 4 of 5 in this series, and something hit me. The talk was about morality, and something that he said broke me, he said that almost every woman, by nature, has an overwhelming fear of being abandoned in life. Wow! I felt the wind knocked out of me! That was me! That's been me in every single aspect in my life for as long as I can remember. I broke down and I cried. I was shaking and I was crying and something began working within me. 

After the 50 minute video lecture was finished, our young adults group discussed what the talk had been about together, like we always did. This particular week it was myself, a gentleman that I have known for years from church, and our young seminarian. Our discussions went on to point out different things that stood out to us, and allowed us to expand on the topics that spoke to each of us. 

Our seminarian pointed out to me a few books that are along the lines of what I wanted. What spoke to me was about the importance of true gender roles in life, how men can be men, and women can be women. Under this topic two books were recommended to me, both written by a husband and wife team, John and Stasi Eldredge. One of them is about the true nature of a man's heart and desires called "Wild at Heart" and the other is about a woman's heart, desires and nature called "Captivating". Another important topic to me was how we need both parental roles in our lives to fully develop the way we were meant to, and so we also discussed books that are for our healing from hurts in life, and how to learn to be a well rounded person with only having one parent. Needless to say my reading list for the summer now consists of 13 new books.

Last night I bought "Wild at Heart" and "Captivating". It's apparently good to read both to not only understand how your own mind works, but also to try and help you understand how the other gender things as well. I've started to read "Captivating" already, and I'm having to force myself to read it slow so that I can reflect on it as I'm going and to try and get as much out of it as I can. I'm only in Chapter 1 right now, but there was something written in the introduction that I want to share with you: 

"The mystery of a feminine heart was meant to be a good thing. By the way. A source of joy. Yet it has become a source of shame - women almost universally feel that they are 'too much' and 'not enough.' At the same time. (Which is crazy making.) And men tend to pull away from the deeper waters of a woman's soul, unsure of what they will find there or how to handle it. And so we have missed the treasure that is the heart of a woman, missed the richness femininity was meant to bring to our lives, missed the way it speaks to us of the heart of God." - Stasi

I don't know why, all my life I have desired to be delicate, to be a lady, I wanted to rebel against feminism. Yet society is telling me to be otherwise, they're telling me to be macho and tough like a man. This isn't what I want for myself! God created men to be the stern ones, and women to be the kind and compassionate ones and this is what I want for my life. Not a helpless women who can't do anything for herself, but soft in spirit. I want Mary, the mother of Jesus, to be my example! I want to be like her. 

This book is going to be quite the journey for me and I know that I won't come out the other side as the same person I am now. The way I'm thinking is going to change pretty drastically, and I welcome that with open arms! 

- Tay

Lent

The season of Lent is upon us once again, and it is that time of year where we put away foolish things and strive to become closer to Jesus.

All my life I've tried to do something drastic and very difficult for lent, from giving up meat (the one food group I actually like), to giving up television (which is ALWAYS on in the background, to the hardest one last year, I gave up Facebook. I realized the amount of time I wasted on Facebook just took away from my productivity, and made me generally miserable. It was an addiction that I needed to break.

While most years I try to do something different, I really think that leaving Facebook for 40 days is the most challenging thing I've ever done for lent, and I've decided that I'm going to take another running stab at it.

After Easter of last year, it was amazing how free I felt from my addiction to browsing on Facebook. I've come to the realization that it is just as bad now as it was this time last year, and that somehow I had become dependent on it once again.

It was a real learning experience for me and so I believe that it is time for me to do this challenge for a second year in a row.

As well, I want to make a promise myself to use my free time to try and at least twice a week, spend some time in discernment of what God has planned for my life. Perhaps spend more time in Adoration.

This is an opportunity to get closer to God and to take a step away from all the things I've been wasting my time with.

This should be a fun journey.

-Tay

The Problems of Social Interaction Within The Catholic Church

I know it might surprise some of you that I have something bad to say about the Catholic Church, but I do. It's not even the teachings of the church that bother me! I love my God and I agree with the church. I am on fire for Jesus and nothing can stop me. My problem is with the people in it.

It seems like the different organizations within the church have made cliques with each other over the years. The problem is that I'm in my 20s and so these cliques were already created and there is apparently no room for me.

The only time someone even comes up to me and says "hey, how are you?" it's immediately followed with "do you think you could do (blank)?" Seriously?! Do people only care about what others can do for their benefit and not for the actual person anymore?!

It seems like every time I've reached out to people they're either too busy or they say "yeah, we need to hang out. I'll let you know about that this week" and two months later you're the one contacting them!

I'm in the way. People often wonder why I want to move away. It's honestly because I don't have a place here. I'm tired of having secular friends who poke fun at me and make my life difficult. I'm sick of having to stay strong.

I'm finally starting to find peace in my personal life with God and all I want is to have friends that I can share that with. Friends who understand the best part of my life. Yet somehow whenever I try to get involved with someone it seems I'm always turned down and shunned away. I'm getting sick of being hurt.

I'm not girly enough to be kept in the loop with the ladies. They don't seem to want to accept me and I feel that they're emotionally trying to push me away.

The guys I feel like I have to tiptoe around because I don't want them to mistake kindness and my desperation for friendship, to come across as anything more. They can probably tell because they stay away from me.

My family wonders why I don't hang out with people from NET but they've become such a tight knot group that they don't seem to let others into their circle. I get it, they share a powerful experience. Yet, I'm still an outcast.

People from church wonder why I haven't hooked up with CCO, but to be honest I've been trying for 3 years. It's almost impossible. Unless you know the people on CCO, you'll never find them on campus because they're just sitting amongst the general student body and there is no way to tell them apart.

I've never done retreats because I was always the kid who was left on the sidelines by myself and no one would bother with. If I forced myself to join in with a group, I felt like a nuisance, or a burden. I never felt welcome.

I'm so busy trying to take care of me, that I don't even have time to really think about a guy in my life. All I want right now is Christian fellowship. I want real friends. I want friends who understand.

Apparently that is too much to ask.