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Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Paving Forward

If you don't really know me, this might be a shock to you, but to those who know me, I'm a tough cookie. No I don't mean I'm a badass, I'm just tough. I try not to let things get to me, and even when they do I try not to let them show. Well I got tired of being told that I'm coming across as cold hearted because I don't show emotions, so I started going for therapy. Honestly, it's the best decision I've ever made.

Last night's session had mom coming in with me and our therapist got us to roleplay a little bit. The point of roleplaying was to try and get the "victim" to be assertive to the person who was being aggressive or passive-aggressive. First time around, I got to be the victim. My mom chose a real scenario that really had happened to me.

Scenario: Aggressive person = former best friend of mine who is now dating my ex-boyfriend. She was pissed that I was still talking to her boyfriend (my ex) and wasn't talking to her and started spreading rumors that I still cared for my ex and I was jealous.

I proceeded to explain that me not wanting to be friends with her anymore had nothing to do with her dating my ex, because we had settled that one and I had been friends with her since they started dating but had more to do with the fact that she would drunk text me rude things, she started taking clothes off at parties, and started acting a little sleazy and that I didn't want people like that in my life. 

Well, the therapist took the role my mom had created and started pushing it a little further, and started arguing with me. Then something I never thought would happen, happened. I broke down crying. Right there in front of my therapist, and my mother.

The reason I push people away is because I know friends come and go, and everyone that comes into my life is eventually going to leave. It's a part of life. So why should it bother me when it finally happens. My therapist said it must be a lonely way to live and I just broke down crying. I've never considered myself lonely, I always have family around me and I'm rarely alone. Yet, I do feel that there's not anyone close enough to me that I can trust with anything, no friend that I see being there for the rest of my life and that makes me hold back from being really close to my friends.

I am lonely. I mean heck, I'm happy as hell. I'm loving my life and this summer has been the best yet. This is not a super depressed, I spend everyday crying because I'm so alone, but when I think about it, I wish that there was someone I believed would always be there for me and wouldn't abandon me when things get hard.

It was just such an eye opening experience. I've never really experienced that emotion before, or at least I've never been able to identify it. As hard as it was to go there, I'm happy that I did. I'm still not regretting this decision and I plan to see it through to the end. I finally feel like I get the chance to grow as a person now. Just gotta keep climbing this mountain and not look back!

The path behind you might be bumpy, but you never have to walk it again, just keep paving the road ahead of you.

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